I think I may have suffered from mild depression. However,mental illness like depression is not often taken seriously into consideration as a broken leg on a car accident. But I did go through a period of gray time. It is not as completely happy as “white”, nor it is completely “black” like pain and sadness. It is a “gray” that is full of being dim and confused.I went through such a gray period during my first year in college.
During the past few years, I have always been in that confusion. I liked painting when I was very young, but I dared not pursue higher accomplishments as everyone thought that those who were good at science rather than art were smarter, while artists seemed to be considered as a trifler in China.
In schools, everyone only pursue a higher score, and the identity of "art students" belongs to people who are not well-skilled as many people think “art students” choose to learn art because they could not do well in academics. At that time, I was not brave enough to against my parents' wishes and become an art student. The only thing I could do was to study hard, so I could learn art on a higher platform in the future.
However, upon graduation from high school, I still did not choose the answer in my heart. I came to a comprehensive university to study Mathematics. I took the major that my parents expected me to choose. I evaded the direction I really want to follow, and chose to give up and obey.
In my first year at college, I felt the stronger sense of depression and loneliness. I once have not spoken for a single word for a whole day. Whenever I was lonely, I would like to vent the negative emotions of psychological depression by means of painting.
This is also why I choose the direction of visual communication, because I want to vent through color, lines, or just some illustrator images. What I want to convey in my work is the expectation and yearning for a better life. I use visual art to vent my sorrow, but use my artworks to bring people a warm feeling and a sense of hope.
I hope to convey love through my own works that is even in an extremely depressed environment, we should not give up the love in our hearts. We should love each other. I am not a person to love the world with great love, but I love this world through painting. I may be a person with depression, but painting is my only redemption.
I finally found out that people should do what they love, and use all their enthusiasm to invest in the things they like. So, I made a decision to transfer school and major, and my parents finally agreed with me.
It takes me for more than 10 years to move forward and make a decision about continuing study art. And I think this is the wisest decision that I have ever made. And School of Visual Arts becomes my favourite because I want to learn illustration in order to convey my ideas and thoughts to the world through my work.
I think illustrators are the best way to reflect a story.
I intend to be a storyteller to spread warmth to people who live in dark corners like I used to do.