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personal statement修改例子

 

The release of Rachel Carson's Silent Spring in 1960 expanded people's quests to remedy environmental issues. Though a high school student, I was deeply touched by its beautiful but dolorous words after reading this book. With increasing curiosity in those challenging environmental issues, I chose environmental engineering as my major in my undergraduate education. In the college, I dipped into lots of professional information and gradually realized the shortage of environmental professionals inChina. Therefore, a decision was made in my mind that I have to obtain more advanced knowledge to become a college professor who can cultivate more talented people to protect our environment from pollution. Knowing this will bring me a great sense of accomplishment, I would like to join the Department of Environmental Engineering in your college for an advanced degree, as I think that an educational experience at your college will make me better prepared for my future career.(第一段长了点,开头两句话是我以前自己瞎想的,写得不好,不够吸引人,但我不知道该怎么改得吸引人一点。)

 

Majoring in environmental engineering, I achieved high scores in my specialized courses during my undergraduate studies, which set a solid background of environmental engineering for me. After becoming familiar with the different branches of this major, I became more focused in environmental microbiology and water-pollution control engineering. Being deeply attracted to these courses, I never had to worry about losing my focus in class.(我一直觉得最后一句话很狗血,根本就不能表现我对这个课程的兴趣,删掉的话这段话又嫌短了,不知道能怎么样改改,能不能帮我提点建议呀O(∩_∩)O~。)

 

During my undergraduate studies, the variety of experimental courses in physical, chemical, and microbiological disciplines also made me familiar with different experimental analysis technologies and instrumental operations. (我感觉前面这句话可以删掉了,对吗?)With interests in experimental experience, I started a research project with my mentor. The main goal of the project was to look into how to adsorb the pollutants in leachate. Using layered-double-hydroxide (LDH), I used low-cost cement to synthesis LDH, which has good ability of adsorbing solid-waste landfill leachate. (这句话前面有个using,后面又有个used,读起来是不是很重复很怪)The leachate contains harmful pollutants and is a tuff problem in solid-waste treatment. We finally obtained promising results from this project and received my mentor’s recognition. What’s more, with this project, I am probably going to have a publication next year. Although this project may seem to just be like solving a problem with solid waste treatment, it actually involved many technologies in wastewater treatment, such as measuring color and testing COD and the concentrations of nitrogen, chloride, and sulfate in the sample. So this study has ultimately benefited me greatly in the treatment of wastewater.

 

The internship I had during my third year of college with theShanghaiEnvironmentalMonitoringCenterwas a different experience for me. I participated in a project dealing with the treatment of theSuzhouRiver, one of the drinking-water sources ofShanghaiCity. In the biological department of theMonitoringCenter, I worked in the laboratory and analyzed the algae and micro-organisms in water samples from theSuzhouRiver. Through this work, I became aware of the serious pollution in theSuzhouRiver, which could jeopardize tens of millions of people’s health. I also started to feel that, although I had been trained for three years in water-pollution control through a series of treatment methods, the knowledge I had gained was far from enough to solve the emerging environmental problems inChina. Only through further education and research experience can I gain comprehensive, in-depth knowledge to impart to students.

 

In college, I also participated in the Environmental Protection Community, where I organized a number of interesting environmental activities, such as slow cycling, small animal care and so on. These activities not only improved my sense of teamwork and leadership but also increased my enthusiasm for environmental protection. In addition, I served as a volunteer education aide to teach children in remote, mountainous areas. This unique experience raised my sense of social responsibility. At the same time, it allowed me to practice my teaching ability and provided me precious experience toward being a qualified teacher in the future. In many cases, I interacted with international students, with whom,(改成from whom不知道行不行,因为后面有个with,我觉得挺重复的) I became familiar with the open and free style of American classes. Though it is a different way of learning, I think it attractive, since this particular style can provide me with new ideas to teach.(这段话没有写出具体的时间、地点,我怕人家会怀疑这些经历的真实性,我是不是应该把时间地点写出来?其实主要是我觉得简历上面都写了,这里就相对没有写得那么具体)

 

After carefully looking through your website about the Environmental Engineering Programs at your college, I found myself now a suitable candidate for a Master’s Degree study. I also think that this program can help me achieve my aspirations for my future career. I have read Professor XXX’s publications and raised great interests in his research field. I believe that my youth and unlimited energy will leave me much room for further development. I also believe that my learning capacity and research interests will inject fresh vitality into the project. With passions and spirits in research field, I also expect myself pursue a Ph. D. degree after I graduated as a Master student. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate your serious consideration of my sincere application. I can assure you that I am an excellent candidate who is suitable for your program.